So what if...?

Independence.

There's something to be said when the whole world see's you as totally independent and able to cope on your own, when that infact is completely misinformed. I have come to the realisation after some thinking and some explaining that i will NEVER do well in life as a single person. Which currently is fine as i am not, and nor do i plan on being for a very long time.. i mean, hell we have the next 2 years planned out.

However, there's always the fear that things wont work out the way its planned, as a life involving chances, free will and karma can't be planned out. We work only by goals and by changing goals if one suddenly becomes out of reach. So there's always the fear of being alone. Not everyone has this fear, infact many people are perfectly happy in their own company all their lives but i am not one of these people. And it has come to my attention that i have to have someone in my life to be dependent on. Currently this is Sean. And he's amazing and i really do hope with all my heart that everything works out with us how we want. But what if it doesn't?

Being dependent on another person creates the fear of being alone and not knowing what to do. I have been this way my intire life. When i was little, like... 8, when my friend went home after a day of playing at my house i would cry for ages and say i was lonely and didn't know what to do. My mum would simply send me off to my room with a colouring book and tell me to stop being rediculous. I have never stopped being rediculous. Like, at this very moment in time i'm sat here typing and wondering what the hell im going to do for the next two days while sean is at his mates. I know i will be perfectly fine, i have the internet, freeview and an xbox, plus i live in a part of the country with beautiful walk routs and places to take a sketch book.. but when it comes to it i just cant bring myself to do anything. All i can think about is how much i miss him and want him back. Everything is easyer, better, when he's here with me.

Most people when realising such revelations would seek some form of profesional help... but that cost's money. Money of which the british benefit system doesnt allow you to have. And there is my stubborness of showing feeling to A) profesionals in suit B) people over the age of 30 and C) strangers.

So why am i writing all this in a blog which the whole world can see? An outlet maybe. Who knows. I need to figure life out some more i think.