To the moon and back

The song... by savage garden. Seems to sum me up actually.

''Everyones got a theory about the
Bitter one
Theyre saying mamma never loved
Her much
And daddy never keeps in touch
Thats why she shies away from
Human affection''

''I would fly to the moon and back if
Youll be
If youll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we
Belong
So would you be my baby?''

Obviously not the whole song but i know you don't want to read the entire song, and they where the most relevant bits. I love that song. I love savage garden to be quite honest.

I'm happy at the minute. Everything is good and i know where i am. Another revelation, i will feel more secure in my relationship if we stop having stupid arguments, as the only time Sean doesn't want me is in the 5 minutes where we're arguing, and these 5 minutes occur far too often. And it's my fault, my anger problems, i know this.. but surely i myself will be happier if he's happier? It makes sense. I just wish i took after my mum more than my dad. He's my downfall.

So what if...?

Independence.

There's something to be said when the whole world see's you as totally independent and able to cope on your own, when that infact is completely misinformed. I have come to the realisation after some thinking and some explaining that i will NEVER do well in life as a single person. Which currently is fine as i am not, and nor do i plan on being for a very long time.. i mean, hell we have the next 2 years planned out.

However, there's always the fear that things wont work out the way its planned, as a life involving chances, free will and karma can't be planned out. We work only by goals and by changing goals if one suddenly becomes out of reach. So there's always the fear of being alone. Not everyone has this fear, infact many people are perfectly happy in their own company all their lives but i am not one of these people. And it has come to my attention that i have to have someone in my life to be dependent on. Currently this is Sean. And he's amazing and i really do hope with all my heart that everything works out with us how we want. But what if it doesn't?

Being dependent on another person creates the fear of being alone and not knowing what to do. I have been this way my intire life. When i was little, like... 8, when my friend went home after a day of playing at my house i would cry for ages and say i was lonely and didn't know what to do. My mum would simply send me off to my room with a colouring book and tell me to stop being rediculous. I have never stopped being rediculous. Like, at this very moment in time i'm sat here typing and wondering what the hell im going to do for the next two days while sean is at his mates. I know i will be perfectly fine, i have the internet, freeview and an xbox, plus i live in a part of the country with beautiful walk routs and places to take a sketch book.. but when it comes to it i just cant bring myself to do anything. All i can think about is how much i miss him and want him back. Everything is easyer, better, when he's here with me.

Most people when realising such revelations would seek some form of profesional help... but that cost's money. Money of which the british benefit system doesnt allow you to have. And there is my stubborness of showing feeling to A) profesionals in suit B) people over the age of 30 and C) strangers.

So why am i writing all this in a blog which the whole world can see? An outlet maybe. Who knows. I need to figure life out some more i think.

Motorbikes, Ex's and mash potato.

So wednesday night was Barton Bike night, a town extravaganza, or so it's made out to be. Pretty anti-climatic to be quite honest. Yes there where hundreds of pretty sexy bikes (and some very normal ones which make you wonder why people brought them in the first place) and the town was packed, litterally, but there wasn't very much going down. We walked about, looked at the bikes, got ID's to go into a pub to buy cider in a plastic cup and ate a burger from one of those heart-attack-in-a-bun vans and that was it. At 8 people started leaving on their beasts and eventually everything died. Makes you wonder why people put so much effort into planning events that end up really lame, and do it every single year.
I did however see my ex. Now that was interesting. With a thing on his arm that can only be described as being as plain as a sheet of fresh paper. Mummy approved it would seem. He hasn't change much in the almost two years since i was with him, and quite frankly i have no idea what i saw in him in the first place. He also either didn't actually notice me at all or chose to blank my existence entirely... either way even after making up i didn't even get a friendly nod. Whatever.

Everyone appears to be following lead and creating blogs, which i guess is good. Its a nice way to keep up to date with far off friends and take your mind off of your life currently, especially when like mine it's pretty slow running. It makes me realise however that my life is pretty mediocre. My day today has consisted of waking up, giving my brother my old phone, having sex, cooking rice, playing xbox and then cooking bangers and mash. We made WAY too much mash thought, like enought to feed a small country for an entire millenium. See, pretty medicre. Again a result of the money thing. I need a get rich quick scheme.. any ideas? Hit me up. HA!

We went to hull yesterday to do a bit of shopping. Again with the money thing, couldnt really buy much. For lunch we went to my favourite caffe in the city - Mcoys, only to be sorely dissapointed with the service, the fact that the revised menue means that they no longer serve paninis (and i was looking forwards to my turkey, cranberry and brie panini), the price is extortionate and they serve real crisps with their food now instead of the healther and much tastier vegatable chrisps. All in all i think it's safe to say that i am NOT wasting money in Mcoys from now on. Pizza Hut is a better bet.

On a last and more philosophical note : it has occured to me that no matter how hard you try you cannot please everyone in your life, even if your goals are very similar, and in trying to do so you make yourself unhappy and begin to doubt who you are. I have decided i am going to try and take steps to stop this happening, and make my main aim making me happy first. Without yourself being happy how are you supposed to make the ones you care about feel the same, when your heart clearly isn't in it. So, im going to stop living up to stereotypes and do what i like, write what i like, and be who i truely am. And if this means quitting certain groups which i am a member of than so be it. After years of hard work it seems that it doesnt make a single bit of difference if one view conflicts with what is considered the norm, wheter it be the way you voice your oppinions on certain people or the post code lottery to which political side youre alowed to side with.

Fallout boy, sexual encounters and thunderstorms.

There's something oddly satisfying about turning off the 'what I'm listening to' on MSN and listening to hours of Fallout Boy and Panic! at the disco, and singing to every word with your cat looking at you as if you've gone crazy.

Today, out of boredom and desperation of wanting something to do now there is a lack of boyfriend on my sofa and no monotonous college to attend, i decided it would be a good idea to start a blog. So here it is. And i will be highly surprised if i carry this on for more than 2 or 3 posts. Its like when i was little and started diary's that i got for Christmas, I'd write in it for about a week and then loose it, until i became desperate to let my feelings out in some other form than throwing fragile things at concrete walls.

I do wish my problems that i needed to write in said diary's where with me now, in place of the current ones. "I'm grounded for a week and 'insert boy here' doesn't fancy me" are far less mentally straining than worrying about failed exam results, the prospect of a 3rd year in an institution which i hate with all my friends but two going to all corners of the country to enjoy life at university, being one and a half stone overweight and being around £600 in debt at the age of 18.
Due to these money problems i may as well be grounded, i have no money to get out of this dead end town for even a day. At least my boy problems have improved since i was a 13 year old round ginger kid. (I decided one day it would be a good idea to dye my hair 'copper fizz', everyone else at school thought it was a hillarious idea). I do have a very lovely boyfriend whom i love a lot, and luckily he can take my anger problems and forget about them once the storm has passed.

Speaking of storms, my childhood fear of lightening has unfortunately remained, hense the listening to upbeat pop punk as loud as the shitty dell speakers which came with my shitty dell 'i have no ram' computer will go in order to drown out the noise of thunder and lightening threatening to blow up my house, set fire to the river and kill everyone in the north lincolnshire area. I should be over this by now, i know that it doesnt happen in real life and i DID drive through a really bad storm in my driving lesson yesterday and come out alive, without crashing. All i can say about that is Steve from cats eyes driving school is bloody fucking patiant.

I wish i could go back in time, and remain at the age of 15/16. Everything was easyer. I was 'cooler'. I was reminded about 15 minutes ago about an afternoon in the woods with my boyfriend a month or so back, sex in public places... it used to seem so normal to be back years ago, boring even. I had dreams of how i was going to be when i was the age i am now, i was feisty, and extrovert and not afraid of breaking the rules. And now i appear to have grown up and i actually don't like it. I want to have to kiss boys from small village bands so they will buy me and my friends a bottle of vodka, and i want to be content with standing in appleby villege hall car park singing my chemical romance songs at the top of my lungs with a friend who i barely speak to anymore. Everything was better. An adventure.

Why do 'grown ups' stop being adventurous?